Sex. It’s what you were thinking about, right? And maybe you have questions. Well, you’re in luck, because we’ve recruited Scandinavian sex worker Ophelia as this edition’s guest agony aunt. Warning! Explicit content!
Dear Ophelia, I find it near impossible to cum during sex. Can you suggest any sex toys to assist with pleasure during sex and what types? (Anna, Oxford)
Hi Anna! When you say you can’t cum during sex, do you mean intercourse? That’s really nothing to worry about. A majority of people with vaginas don’t cum from that kind of sex alone. Instead, work with your clitoris and try different techniques. These tricks can then be used together with penetration if you want to try and cum that way.
First of all, can you cum while masturbating alone? If not, practice! Day and night if you must! What works is very individual.
For some people physical stimulation is the most important thing. You could try fingers with lots of spit or lube, rubbing yourself on stuff (if doing this in public, be discreet) or maybe use the pressure of water in the shower. You mentioned sex toys. I LOVE Magic Wand vibrators at the moment. And it’s not only me, this kind of vibrator has been a best seller since 1968 and many have reported having their first orgasm with the Magic Wand. If the vibrations are too strong for you, try using it on top of your knickers or start stimulating different parts of the vulva before moving closer to the clitoris.
For others it’s less physical and more in the head. It’s all about fantasising about things that turn you on. In that case you'll want to be in an environment where you can focus on those thoughts. You might try watching porn or reading erotic stories. Find out what your turn-ons are by doing a lot of research. You might find that the road is more important than the goal
Once you have mastered the skill of making yourself cum, teach it to your partners. Don’t be shy about telling him/her about what you like. Remember that most (reasonable) people want to please their partner during sex and finding out what you like is a great help!
Dear Ophelia, I don’t have a steady boyfriend but find every time I get close to a guy he gets jealous. Do you have a method for handling jealousy with partners outside your work? (Grace, Liverpool)
Hi Grace! Do you want to date this guy? I hope not. He sounds kinda annoying and possessive to be honest. If you aren’t dating and you haven’t made a mutual agreement of only seeing each other there is no reason for him to act that way. Tell him to cut the crap.
I have had a few partners since starting doing sex work. All of them have battled with jealousy from time to time but in general they understand that my work is work and that it has nothing to do with my feelings for them. In fact, I’m usually the more jealous one in my relationships.
I try to manage my jealousy by reminding myself that I want my partner to be happy and feel free and that I don’t own his or her body or time. My partner helps me by prioritising me and always making me feel special.
Communicating about feelings of jealousy as well as making agreements about the relationship that both people are happy with are other ways to make it work.
Dear Ophelia, the sex education I got at home and school really scared me about catching sexually-transmitted diseases. We got shown pictures of rotten genitals and everything. I want to have more sex but what’s the balance between having fun and taking a risk? What are the basics of sexual health safety? (Daniel, London)
Hi Daniel! You are asking the right person! In many countries sex workers actually have lower rates of STIs (Sexually Transmissible Infections) and BBVs (Blood Borne Viruses) than the general population. That’s because looking after our own and others’ sexual health is part of our jobs.
Sex is about enjoying yourself and it’s quite hard to have fun if you are worried all the time. The truth is: if you protect yourself, the chances that you will get an STI or BBV are rather small. And if you do, it’s not the end of the world!
To put things into perspective, I have had sex with several thousand men and the only time I‘ve had an STI was when I was 17 and got chlamydia from my boyfriend’s brother. But that’s another story. Nowadays, protecting myself when having sex is so natural that I hardly think about it anymore.
Some general tips: Always use a condom for penetrative sex with a penis. Don’t finger someone’s bum and then their vagina. Be careful if you or your partner has sores on/in your mouth, on genitals or on your fingers. Some people use condoms and dental dams for blowjobs and gloves for fingering. Cum in the eye hurts like hell but no one, I repeat, no one has ever gotten HIV that way. Use lube! Not every vagina gets wet and lube makes sex more enjoyable and lowers the risk of a condom break.
Dear Ophelia, I read that one in three college students are involved in the sex industry. While I realise most of this is guys doing webcam, I know being a sugar babe is a common way to pay off fees or live large at uni. I’d be worried about the safety aspect of meeting strange men. How can you protect yourself? Also what is the worst thing about offering sex for money? (Tilly, Bournemouth)
Since the UK government has decided to charge incredible amounts of money for a university education it seems like you either have to have a rich sugar daddy or a rich actual daddy in order to get an education. Pimping is illegal in the UK but isn’t that sort of like the government pimping all of us out?
There are no inherently bad things about selling sex for money. What sucks is all that other bullshit. Like laws that make our job dangerous. Or the intense stigma that affects most of our contact with muggles (non-sex workers). That could be anything from health care providers treating us with pity or disgust, to having to lie to friends, or to families disowning us. The job itself isn’t different than other jobs. It suits some people better than others and we all have good days and bad days at work.
If you meet up with a stranger to have sex, whether it’s a Tinder date or to do sex work, ALWAYS leave the address of your meeting place with a friend. When you arrive, call them in front of your client/date and confirm what time you’ll be home. That way it’s clear that someone is waiting for you. You can also sign up for National Ugly Mug, which is a list of bad clients’ numbers/email addresses. Find it here: uknswp.org/um For newbies, saafe.info is a helpful resource. Active sex workers can get in touch with co-workers via Sex Worker Open University sexworkeropenuniversity.com
Dear Ophelia, I have a real appetite for BDSM and rougher types of sex. Does this make me weird? (Polly, Norwich)
Dear Ophelia, do you have any sex tips that everyone should try? (Team Disorder)
Hi Disorder! People think sex workers do all these crazy things at work but most bookings consist of kissing, oral and some fucking. I spend most of the time contemplating what food I’ll order afterwards and trying to invent some sort of contraption that would let me play video games while fucking without my clients knowing. I also think up funny tweets and remind myself to moan at the right time.
In my private sex life I like to play with dominance and submission and I like to be spanked. If that’s something you’ve ever fantasised about, give it a spin! I’ve also recently realised that I love having my toes sucked. It’s like getting a blowjob. Try it!
Dear Ophelia, I started sleeping with guys when I was 14 and have always enjoyed sex. But a few times in the last year I have found myself in bed with women. I think I might be bisexual, and don’t really know what this means or what I need to know? (Megan, London)
What it means? It only means something if you want it to. You could use it to rebel against your parents or join the queer community. Personally, I don’t really trust anyone who is NOT a bisexual. What’s so special about a certain set of genitals anyways? Enjoy experimenting with your sexuality and widening your horizons!
Ophelia is a Scandinavian sex worker and activist. For the past five years she’s been 26 years old and she’s not planning on growing older any time soon. Her interests include video games, feminism, blowjobs and collecting hotel towels. She’s constantly on a “working holiday” and she’s probably slept with your boyfriend. Twitter: svenskhora
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