Beyoncé is her guru, hoisin sauce is her fetish; comedian Luisa Omielan talks duck, cock and ‘Sons of Anarchy.’
Disorder: What are you working on right now?
Luisa Omielan: I am super excited to be filming my debut stand-up show for TV. It's called What Would Beyoncé Do?! I have been touring it for five years; am so glad I can finally get it out online and worldwide, baby.
What people, places or things inspire you?
I like any stories of people overcoming adversity; I am reading about Mary Magdalene. She was a legend. I am inspired all the time by single parents, by women who set up and manage their own company, by individuals who didn't follow a mould and have created their own rules – by women throughout history. Michelle Obama is a big inspiration for me; I can’t stop watching her speeches or interviews, she has such poise and grace and is so smart and articulate; her words are inspiring.
What artists turn you on?
Obviously Beyoncé. She's exudes so much talent and tenacity. I love how every facet of her life is really cared for. She has worked hard and is really inspiring. Smart and sexy, from songwriting, performing, her family, her persona – she seems to just be the kind of individual that is 100% at everything, and I like that.
What is your ultimate ambition?
To have a long-lasting, successful career in stand-up. I wanna cement myself as like the Beyoncé of comedy. Do pretty much what I do now, but on a larger scale: travel worldwide, play large theatres, a massive sell-out tour across America – that road trip would be amazing – play and write in comedy films, just keep being part of the comedy network, really, and have a beautiful portfolio of houses to choose from. This year I would love the chance to do a TEDx talk about body image or mental health. My second show Am I Right Ladies?! covers these topics, and I think comedy allows hard topics to be accessible.
What got you started (the secret of your success)?
I loved watching Whoopi Goldberg when I was younger, she would make me laugh so heartily, I wanted to recreate that joy. I think that's the key to my success so far – recreating joy, a dream world away from reality where you can truly be your childlike, playful self, and make that your working reality.
What has been the biggest surprise/lesson along the way?
That regular people have so much power and influence. More than they realise. Audience’s support and generosity is sublime, it always amazes me how cool people are. Like my audiences, love is unreal, it’s career building, it's the only thing that can sustain a career. That, and I'm learning to let go and let people in. I've met so many people from all backgrounds and industries who genuinely care and are rooting for me to do well.
Who was your first crush?
A boy called Robert who was 16. I was 12. He was from Bristol and would always say, “Lush”. He smoked B&H's and I would buy them and be like "I love B&H, they so lush" and then offer him one, whilst trying not to choke on my unlit cigarette.
What fictional character can you most relate to?
Deloris Van Cartier for all the reasons. Main one being that I'm really a gospel superstar stuck in the body of a Las Vegas lounge singer who plays to an empty room at the Moonlight Lounge.
What/where do you like to eat or drink?
Give me any Chinese buffet, but make it after 6pm when they bring out the crispy aromatic duck. Why? Because I would put hoisin on a man’s penis and lick it off if he would let me. Drinks: a fancy cocktail bar, the more obnoxious, exclusive and hidden, the better. Serve it in a crystal glass with a flower floating in it or out of a wooden monkey head with a straw. Either way, I'm there!
When do you feel most yourself?
Easy. On stage. I feel I can be my true self and people laugh and clap at me for it. What's not to love?
When are you at your worst?
Literally two days after a massive tour. The comedown is horrific; I am a hot mess, I get really tired and frustrated and angry and then will be really snarly and irritable. It's a really sexy time.
What do you hate the most in the world?
That we can’t as a world get along, that basic human needs are not met. That things that are so obvious and simple like good free health care for all can't be executed properly. That public sectors are not funded. That you can work as hard as you like and pay taxes but still not afford your own home or have any money to save from. That homelessness is growing. That there isn't a cure for diseases like cancer yet. That some of richest places I have visited share some of the worst poverty. That women are still treated as secondary in many countries. That respect for women and for our bodies and ourselves isn't taught properly; we teach kids about Henry VIII but not about good sex and relationships. The internet gives freedom for people to be violently racist, misogynist and homophobic; so, that there are people like that who are in desperate need of an education. That, on top of all the problems with economy, welfare, health, global warming, we like to fuck ourselves because we have different shades of skin.
What talent do you wish you had?
One where I could speak the language in whichever country I was visiting, so drop me off in Dubai and I would be like, “Salaam-alaiku, bitches!” But then throw me in the middle of Kenya and I could be like, “Waaattt. Jambo, bitches!!”
What is your dominant characteristic?
Aggressive and adorable, both intermittently. Like the Wi-Fi.
What do you appreciate most in your friends?
Their love and support, them coming to my shows and just being there and hanging out till the end of the night and then telling me for the hundredth time what they loved about the show or what bit the audience went particularly mad for, dissecting and analysing the whole night with me.
What invention do you love most?
I've just spent £25 on a milk froth kettle, it makes one cup – mate, do it. Get some coconut syrup, pour over some coconut milk, press the button and voila, it will change your morning.
Unpaid endorsement: what can you recommend?
I love wearing cool trainers, so New Balance trainers – you can get some cool glammed-up ones. At the moment I’m rocking a rose gold pair.
What is your idea of happiness?
To be mentally content, calm, chilled, cuddled and adored, physically healthy, threaded eyebrows & chin, pedicure and manicure done, beautiful golden tan, shaved legs, bikini line done, baggy trousers, no bra, crop top on, no make-up, hair slicked back, about to watch Sons of Anarchy as if it's the first time and I've never seen it, and drinking a coconut whilst having hoisin sauce & my very own penis within arms reach.
What is your present state of mind?
Very aware that I would love my own home. I am 34 and travel a lot, which has been amazing, but it means I've spent a lot of money on rent when I am not there. I am also seeing a lot of my friends settle down and have babies. I haven't really given myself the chance to meet anyone. I'm gonna try and make an effort to go out more and get dressed up, make an effort. And when I do finally get a chance to talk to a guy, I am gonna try really hard to play nice, act interested and not be sarcastic, deadpan or out alpha him. That way, when I get depressed and upset that I am gonna die alone, at least I can say I tried. Shoot me now. I do have great shows though.
What would you do if you were not doing this?
Buying old houses, any houses and doing them up and selling. Then eventually have a portfolio in Edinburgh, Liverpool, Manchester, Melbourne, Birmingham, London, Bath, Newcastle, Belfast and Chicago, and then I can just fly between them and make each one my home. That would be the dream.